tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7337284042178303312024-03-13T06:31:51.474-07:00Chasing Hopetangible expressions of a Love worth waiting forLonderzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.comBlogger284125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-35728210640171985272013-01-13T19:21:00.001-08:002013-01-13T19:21:29.079-08:00Bigger and better thingsI think I am finished with this blog. It has been a favorite outlet and escape for me, but I have a new blog, and to be honest, there is a whole lot I am moving on from in my life. I thought I would keep this blog for my poetry but I can't seem to go back to it. I think this is a positive thing. Further up and further in.<br />
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You can find me here: http://thelonderz.wordpress.comLonderzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-40612055897464999262012-12-25T19:25:00.000-08:002013-01-01T21:07:53.888-08:00"In Him all things hold together....including you."Through seasons of time and seasons of heart -- long or short -- the questions remain as we quest for what we're really here for. And the tapestry of the universe continues to weave and be woven, its intricacy increasing each time our heart cries out for healing before healing can even appear; each time we understand for even just a moment what a whole space of happiness feels like.<br />
The question of who we are is answered in everything we do. In the music we listen to -- the songs we know we should hear and the ones we choose to listen to because we're too tired to hear anything but what beats to the same rhythm of heartache that we do. It is the books we decided to read or not read, the words we put together or the words we left unsaid. It is the times we chose sunlight over rainy days or the times we didn't know how to love the light at all. It is the evenings when we held hands tight to bless food that we shared all together and the days when the loneliness was too much and we couldn't eat at all.<br />
And yes, I am talking about my past year, mostly, but I'm talking as a writer as well, and as a writer (if I can dare call myself that), I write the story that <i>comes</i> as I <i>go</i> and the life that trails behind me is the story I try to put into words. As a writer, prospering depends upon the thoughts and on the feelings in a moment of just-right collision; but also to study the voices that say what we hear and to hear the absence when silence is noisier than sound and to question it all: <i>why?</i><br />
But on the outside is built a lifetime of knowing and learning how to live. Whether she is hiding or she's letting you in, it requires enough courage or perhaps lack of courage to open every door and tear down every wall and let loose every defense because what we want most of all is just to be -- and we cannot <i>be</i> if we do not let in all that will and must come. It is an entire lifetime of vulnerability, I think -- all one broken moment and day into the next.<br />
And this time last year, in my grey-blue December, I thought I understood loneliness, and then thought I never knew sadness could be so heavy when my heart took me on paths I never planned on. There are some pains that are too strange to speak of much, but December taught me a lot last year.<br />
Streaming in scarlet-red, January was a month I felt too much, with a happy visit from Jon and Lindz and final theatre rehearsals and people and friends who changed me with their words, with their love, with who they are.<br />
In February I let go -- or tried to -- of a dream I never planned to have but I tasted just a morsel of what love actually has to look like and thought again how things never are as they seem and waiting is hard, and letting go is harder, but it is all worth it in the end. But letting go never happens all at once and March marched in like a quiet dusty-grey lamb -- grey again, yes, -- and I taught myself again to let go...but do we ever really learn? And the great adventure in the land of the Irish was had with five of my favorite friends on an Island where the land meets the sea and the sea is just a wetter version of the sky and I learned a little more about poetry and pain and love and holding on and letting go and mostly God, really.<br />
The adventure ran into April and lasted long enough to bring me home new and changed -- a little wiser and a lot sadder in a hopeful sort of way, perhaps. I tasted trust in April -- a steady, green trust -- that I wish could say is what I taste every month of the year. It is a coming and going sort of trust.<br />
I don't know what color May was this year, a whole rainbow perhaps. I had friends graduate, and a brother graduate from college, and I spent time with cousins, and I turned seventeen and knew I was loved. I got to see Jon and Lindz again and went to a wedding and got ready for summer.<br />
June and July were golden-yellow, with lots of sunshine and ridiculous emotions. My heart cracked apart too many times and I thought I learned how to heal myself. I went to BWSC and spent time with dear, dear friends, and went to Peru again and learned how to give of myself when I least feel like it, and taught 1st and 2nd graders about God at VBS and went to Maine and had a whole week of pure joy with some of my favorite people (my mom's side of the family). Looking back, it was a great two months. Hard, in too many ways, but really wonderful.<br />
And August till now? The months blend together, and it is hard to separate them. I have struggled with heartache and relationships and longing and depression and I have struggled with accepting God's love and accepting other's love and I have struggled with letting myself heal and with not constantly being upset with myself and mostly I have struggled. A lot. It's been an odd semester. But God never gives hard without good as well. Musical theatre this semester has been for the most part phenomenal, and I dreamed the whole time of getting to do it with Zach again, and what do you know, he was offered the lead male role more than halfway through production. It is so much fun to be doing theatre with him again. And I dreamed all semester of being able to see Josiah again at Christmastime and maybe even see Seth and Leah again, and oh it makes me glad to be able to say both those dreams are coming true. I have such a loving Dad.<br />
Funny how a whole year could happen in such a short amount of time and even more to think we could grow and change so much in just 365 days and nights. But days consist of moments and nights exist in our breaths in and out and it is when we realize the greatest success is just obedience in each moment and how we heal is all-complete in each breath: that is how we know we have grown. Our eternal hunger has just one source of Satisfaction, and it is those many nights when we can't find It when we realize It is what we want. And our One Source works in the moment to weave each thread of hope and fear of terror and pain and joy into the tapestry of Love--of Life.<br />
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I want to capture some of the light that was scattered too generously in my life this year. I am so thankful for:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcwYLrK_33ll6CLKmZfEkWLt7pF_InwZfnpDEMTmx2GjdCI0glbirjX5V1cexGhSqPDyyv5NoNiIE-NQoIvujemMKbQNEeUuVm1QPXPVpXtyiSnSF0MJZP_HTthKu2LOnYGAvXkEMC47uI/s1600/P1010248.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="271" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcwYLrK_33ll6CLKmZfEkWLt7pF_InwZfnpDEMTmx2GjdCI0glbirjX5V1cexGhSqPDyyv5NoNiIE-NQoIvujemMKbQNEeUuVm1QPXPVpXtyiSnSF0MJZP_HTthKu2LOnYGAvXkEMC47uI/s400/P1010248.jpeg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Last year's youth group Christmas party--I love these people and I love the laughter we've shared. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiyDo0F4qmVGrQ4gHcxBSIFhyphenhyphen7eGmP2KZB0Yj0atsHibVeLi80wfrr0IB-XM82igtPkBjqioYR63zPLxkYdHWGnYMpUvuj22OIAd3K1oWW82NKEDeTzUZpmzMTS1qC0PFhbhM9zs0WiSo7/s1600/P1010463.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="336" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiyDo0F4qmVGrQ4gHcxBSIFhyphenhyphen7eGmP2KZB0Yj0atsHibVeLi80wfrr0IB-XM82igtPkBjqioYR63zPLxkYdHWGnYMpUvuj22OIAd3K1oWW82NKEDeTzUZpmzMTS1qC0PFhbhM9zs0WiSo7/s400/P1010463.jpeg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My family, last Christmas. This year we are complete and whole for Christmas. :) So thankful to have Josiah home now.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw6Amsr5bc2JJZuhncdmRIAkjDmfXpV7X0DDT6TYdl_7d6mITbYFMO1XemHjEmmA2ewMqYsx8iAWcEq-TD40qMbt26Ed6NJXi9al1d2s141OKfZX4mZuLNWl28K9NqZJQZhtKjPRuEXZCU/s1600/P1010934.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw6Amsr5bc2JJZuhncdmRIAkjDmfXpV7X0DDT6TYdl_7d6mITbYFMO1XemHjEmmA2ewMqYsx8iAWcEq-TD40qMbt26Ed6NJXi9al1d2s141OKfZX4mZuLNWl28K9NqZJQZhtKjPRuEXZCU/s400/P1010934.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bringing in the new year with two of my favorite people in the world. Sarah and Lydia are the best.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm3VoTeAYz5QvlnCHD4Kh2slRTEh8u8h5b5loUKVqjnApUI1XKQNYh2s5o8D6kSu0CP-Wj_FiG2jl8FgziCtmV-Con5FEzPOS07hzP_OBj4AaywPpvoyCQcRgXBhYNIvD81OtWZfIWXIfc/s1600/P1020109.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm3VoTeAYz5QvlnCHD4Kh2slRTEh8u8h5b5loUKVqjnApUI1XKQNYh2s5o8D6kSu0CP-Wj_FiG2jl8FgziCtmV-Con5FEzPOS07hzP_OBj4AaywPpvoyCQcRgXBhYNIvD81OtWZfIWXIfc/s400/P1020109.JPG" width="315" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">An amazing visit from Jon and Lindz in January. I love them so much.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiodrpXcbrxg-v9IRQc5fNkp15Adzm-KVlhia3l1T1Sr5jYxrOYioZTB8FyeQmcvxFtH45WLIQ9uaJwR9pqvHpWnLbC6w7U652-lGcMHaOyO489HdGavdha79uq9wKkHhZA42WeivPF4hs0/s1600/P1020162.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiodrpXcbrxg-v9IRQc5fNkp15Adzm-KVlhia3l1T1Sr5jYxrOYioZTB8FyeQmcvxFtH45WLIQ9uaJwR9pqvHpWnLbC6w7U652-lGcMHaOyO489HdGavdha79uq9wKkHhZA42WeivPF4hs0/s400/P1020162.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Theatre makes friendships that are different than any others. I loved getting to know James and Clayton <i>and</i> Zach so much better through theatre. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Seeing my beautiful Bekah at my theatre performance in February. She is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met and is an amazing inspiration and encouragement to me. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Our amazing trip to Ireland.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Cousin and best friend in Ireland--such fond memories of this time.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Boat rides in Ireland--it doesn't get much better than that. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Grace and I have known each other for so long and we enjoyed special times this year together.<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0ydba_GIQHA9qxn4XM0dq4cmd1hGHc22v8DKlUMPxZqQ0TfI1F49Ho2Hrm3SAKH9uvWIyFLK2Hkv90h6AqnaQ6W8-WChKyaRX-teCY0lCeeOJgYiJf3iyy03aNyzeifNbVQkWmPmI0x-v/s1600/P1040426.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0ydba_GIQHA9qxn4XM0dq4cmd1hGHc22v8DKlUMPxZqQ0TfI1F49Ho2Hrm3SAKH9uvWIyFLK2Hkv90h6AqnaQ6W8-WChKyaRX-teCY0lCeeOJgYiJf3iyy03aNyzeifNbVQkWmPmI0x-v/s400/P1040426.JPG" width="376" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">This girl. She has been my bright spot in choir for the past three years, but she's become so much more than that. She is a source of constant encouragement, always there for girl talk when I need it, and is an amazing singer and actress and is so fun to be in choir and theatre with. I love Anna Kathryn.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">This guy who is such a part of the girl I am today. He is a kindred spirit in a lot of ways and I'm thankful to have had him in my life for most of this year past.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Getting to be Snow White at the Old Courthouse Theatre :) Talk about nostalgia...</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoA_fyeSHX0BTgf86snNgZGMFsPAXFWkOosSdks8RsKSScePtG_-l05XVBLlv9-df2lFv40dyBufeUBdSypEVYsDOGKHrH5uR236Er0lJFdIm1yt-V41PVKEBQtdPNbxEFvc9_SSrUq-K8/s1600/_DSC8177.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoA_fyeSHX0BTgf86snNgZGMFsPAXFWkOosSdks8RsKSScePtG_-l05XVBLlv9-df2lFv40dyBufeUBdSypEVYsDOGKHrH5uR236Er0lJFdIm1yt-V41PVKEBQtdPNbxEFvc9_SSrUq-K8/s400/_DSC8177.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting to act alongside Dar Draper, my favorite director. :)<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC6V2jYq0-0ZBlcZtbIiA99o6KPLRffNIH-Vi6Ql8v_YQaFQrvZdpl7QjtOtaSB90Uq75abSBDmUw7GUSDphsoPgNK9X1OxeEUzDpFn93fs7MSr-0ra4AtBvA_3XWAyUiqa6_rlhnOwt1x/s1600/582797_3071969138049_1434554656_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC6V2jYq0-0ZBlcZtbIiA99o6KPLRffNIH-Vi6Ql8v_YQaFQrvZdpl7QjtOtaSB90Uq75abSBDmUw7GUSDphsoPgNK9X1OxeEUzDpFn93fs7MSr-0ra4AtBvA_3XWAyUiqa6_rlhnOwt1x/s400/582797_3071969138049_1434554656_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Lydia who has been with me in my best times and my worst and is always super strong and faithful. She.is.amazing.</td></tr>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCod6iBvPp4ScLZHFLTix7tgCFe1Ng3joaR-SL5xESn6IZWirekCDu1anS5bPB4DhD53vyNzXdk2mW3KEj9xO2RlD3SfDMQ_XHDCz1PsN4NawYVA_K8mbqDcL7eeTpecVaVmfvhaoS-aCs/s1600/395878_3071967538009_1006822468_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCod6iBvPp4ScLZHFLTix7tgCFe1Ng3joaR-SL5xESn6IZWirekCDu1anS5bPB4DhD53vyNzXdk2mW3KEj9xO2RlD3SfDMQ_XHDCz1PsN4NawYVA_K8mbqDcL7eeTpecVaVmfvhaoS-aCs/s400/395878_3071967538009_1006822468_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Meeting Sophia at BWSC and spending so much quality time with Jemma and Lydia. I love these girlies.</td></tr>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk4GnRD6Q7G92lbl0be6gX1PaYhADOb9g6nA6umjWjWoW0_qzcL6vDzbih-Za1UWnqz-2DzlgcHzjlWVyJpsfwc0G9Sok8niBjQovK1SqxXjEzQY-rqOpi6Sl8WAFpRG_dtxR2oemcJ4nJ/s1600/Photo+on+7-6-12+at+4.28+PM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk4GnRD6Q7G92lbl0be6gX1PaYhADOb9g6nA6umjWjWoW0_qzcL6vDzbih-Za1UWnqz-2DzlgcHzjlWVyJpsfwc0G9Sok8niBjQovK1SqxXjEzQY-rqOpi6Sl8WAFpRG_dtxR2oemcJ4nJ/s400/Photo+on+7-6-12+at+4.28+PM.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">BWSC with amazing friends. Zach and Clayton and Lydderz and I hung out the whole week long and I truly wouldn't trade that week for anything in the world.</td></tr>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigdBB9eQ8kVvu2WSzWckmzEKaL-ZsLwmHwvUO6rvuegSDClBGI5AKaK4VqK1amx0RhObBXDOijvyN1mAyPvgEj1Z6X76JNReiwcDhjXT3_TDVPivuSlPfuUdGlqtFi7c1tt_zRXG6Y6uA2/s1600/529441_3901758355497_829081531_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigdBB9eQ8kVvu2WSzWckmzEKaL-ZsLwmHwvUO6rvuegSDClBGI5AKaK4VqK1amx0RhObBXDOijvyN1mAyPvgEj1Z6X76JNReiwcDhjXT3_TDVPivuSlPfuUdGlqtFi7c1tt_zRXG6Y6uA2/s400/529441_3901758355497_829081531_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Getting to fly on this plane to one of my favorite places--Trujillo, Peru<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNKKVpTOIC3z52rAUnBtCQ9ri1E3TouXVVrIIoMQ8YwsfjZIXaIdQooamYjzEnWX07z7QktInkIjOi1dR7os6Hzq1fOE9XkpH7IeFB9RKGMK9hXrNPA6PUq34YgWTj9ZV9A_iPIPTDedKR/s1600/250894_3901819757032_650711075_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNKKVpTOIC3z52rAUnBtCQ9ri1E3TouXVVrIIoMQ8YwsfjZIXaIdQooamYjzEnWX07z7QktInkIjOi1dR7os6Hzq1fOE9XkpH7IeFB9RKGMK9hXrNPA6PUq34YgWTj9ZV9A_iPIPTDedKR/s400/250894_3901819757032_650711075_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Having the amazing Cat by my side this whole year--she is one of the best friends I have ever had, has been there <i>whenever</i> I need her, and keeps me stable when I'm not. She is such a huge blessing.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiAnXwc5H64fLqNyckjQCXthdkXDBT3Laxf3U32z2WqmBmv12xYvscPfZIGa3fa06st0i566PMiphF3P9PK8f8L1dKmw941nBBy3_tIUm8IrXK9uy00b_18fOLMlK1yBkcrQ2zGyAvzz21/s1600/318031_3901738194993_149215260_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiAnXwc5H64fLqNyckjQCXthdkXDBT3Laxf3U32z2WqmBmv12xYvscPfZIGa3fa06st0i566PMiphF3P9PK8f8L1dKmw941nBBy3_tIUm8IrXK9uy00b_18fOLMlK1yBkcrQ2zGyAvzz21/s400/318031_3901738194993_149215260_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting to know this spectacular girl--Allison is beautiful inside and out and is a faithful friend. I have learned so much from her and am so grateful for her passion for life.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnH0XAT_pIlkO8m2_MAGSKO3o9TjSeqmDcjLa2tjszxOynI7-v9GpP36LpSIXtRNzC1GLOsva0JeYxe9yKXv3ihJtrJ4HQMWY5vF-SC9Ym3S4HigxLRJCz6JwWoiM_fEJw2tUlLE33znha/s1600/IMG_0442.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnH0XAT_pIlkO8m2_MAGSKO3o9TjSeqmDcjLa2tjszxOynI7-v9GpP36LpSIXtRNzC1GLOsva0JeYxe9yKXv3ihJtrJ4HQMWY5vF-SC9Ym3S4HigxLRJCz6JwWoiM_fEJw2tUlLE33znha/s400/IMG_0442.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting reunited with this beautiful Katie in Peru. I met her last year on my mission trip and fell in love with her laugh and with her joy, and my heart broke with happiness when I unexpectedly saw her during my second trip to Peru. <!--3--><!--3--></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDxrYVOUIf3AqLjqQFB-rjYrLn1xW8LWKPmtaPBP7gyZmDoTlwq6lMQpc6kzkVJCaydoDNhNo2lMYEoKkyFMr7Vg5qdo_1XTkI2C5UlA2yFzSMFkbL76LGKoKyuVI0lt40UwqkNQkVT_w0/s1600/IMG_0817.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDxrYVOUIf3AqLjqQFB-rjYrLn1xW8LWKPmtaPBP7gyZmDoTlwq6lMQpc6kzkVJCaydoDNhNo2lMYEoKkyFMr7Vg5qdo_1XTkI2C5UlA2yFzSMFkbL76LGKoKyuVI0lt40UwqkNQkVT_w0/s400/IMG_0817.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting to spend time with this amazing brother pal. We have been through a lot together and we're not through with each other yet. :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfU1ydUpu7pzk0JpcOSSaWU_w7scmcfXr6WEiEB6vWsvLgCL36vczP8CP7J_UMZbvk_2GUV1ziuo7alFV8njO_xb6_33AT7eMts09ieY3OkAq_5wrHjApjOakdpg5oV6sCpFPaqDXiaosA/s1600/IMG_1412.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfU1ydUpu7pzk0JpcOSSaWU_w7scmcfXr6WEiEB6vWsvLgCL36vczP8CP7J_UMZbvk_2GUV1ziuo7alFV8njO_xb6_33AT7eMts09ieY3OkAq_5wrHjApjOakdpg5oV6sCpFPaqDXiaosA/s400/IMG_1412.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This girl--beautiful Ellie Davenport. I am so proud of her amazing skills in adapting to life in Peru and inspired by her sweet spirit and joy and zest for life.<!--3--><!--3--><br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifTRc-uJkzSLzNJ6oFO4p8Zd5lVhy2pS3SxCkdiD-rCG-muCOVSRj2IhHVxjcBc9fqx3j2j144Ryf4DUiBSz8U7nJ6B0XOdPofHk1BYOmG0jR9WbhqVxKKWY-uHXRoM7E-Efd8OPmOnkn6/s1600/P1060423.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifTRc-uJkzSLzNJ6oFO4p8Zd5lVhy2pS3SxCkdiD-rCG-muCOVSRj2IhHVxjcBc9fqx3j2j144Ryf4DUiBSz8U7nJ6B0XOdPofHk1BYOmG0jR9WbhqVxKKWY-uHXRoM7E-Efd8OPmOnkn6/s400/P1060423.JPG" width="362" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Love this beautiful Bonnie girl so much. She is sweet and courageous just like her sister Ellie and I hope it's not long before I get to see her in Peru again.</td></tr>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLwpeyzNzXuL32l_vOs7rBf0MM8m3AhD3F3kgORulGZECvFN6g5Ie7xG7IB5vqGb_379OLOxA-u4DOXCN_XBLSSR5ZOlwIkrVi_dSNAbzTbG6B22Nh-fBm1cTPZcn7Eko-vowGkdNcQOEy/s1600/198350_483458088347757_840772901_n.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLwpeyzNzXuL32l_vOs7rBf0MM8m3AhD3F3kgORulGZECvFN6g5Ie7xG7IB5vqGb_379OLOxA-u4DOXCN_XBLSSR5ZOlwIkrVi_dSNAbzTbG6B22Nh-fBm1cTPZcn7Eko-vowGkdNcQOEy/s400/198350_483458088347757_840772901_n.jpeg" width="331" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Getting to see Beauty and the Beast at the Blumenthal--a dream come true :)<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggnflQqJagBLHohOssBtixHiNrIMVk7PbsBDkjrKA9fZh58GXwO6r-KblYurmB5mpptttD6Z6nWnmE7y-YfYcspeeRQGTUM4wq-bLAScfsoJwS6IQqnde1cXgWYiAVCLcocWWHMcXwFckP/s1600/IMG_2455.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggnflQqJagBLHohOssBtixHiNrIMVk7PbsBDkjrKA9fZh58GXwO6r-KblYurmB5mpptttD6Z6nWnmE7y-YfYcspeeRQGTUM4wq-bLAScfsoJwS6IQqnde1cXgWYiAVCLcocWWHMcXwFckP/s400/IMG_2455.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting to see this guy--Seth is one of the biggest encouragements in my life ever. He is an amazing writer and challenges me to be better, and he writes the best snail mail letters. I am so so grateful for him, and so grateful that I get to see him two times in one year this year. :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglagOsb2HEP0V3bgQzTmZnVdL2xou7Z0qCGsT7YXvUpvTdRKQTh-McVPc5VodB01kMpWAqbu65e8ycTs0o2VhPWRogJdeYRMmK09N6GlOzpm7r3iEVdC6qwu6vWqV_3VgeA2_HXxl4saEi/s1600/IMG_2468.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="283" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglagOsb2HEP0V3bgQzTmZnVdL2xou7Z0qCGsT7YXvUpvTdRKQTh-McVPc5VodB01kMpWAqbu65e8ycTs0o2VhPWRogJdeYRMmK09N6GlOzpm7r3iEVdC6qwu6vWqV_3VgeA2_HXxl4saEi/s400/IMG_2468.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting to know this beautiful cousin, Kayla. She is a strong and ardent daughter of Christ and inspires me with her faith and hope and love.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq_qCHGBisfadSQbke0oKdM-j6mo-i5B93UISv9HMfPEbC4A_vz6OcfmFCMbyAUggdcVvN77FMJcQPj9pzxvQsgbFbn1Q-RJEfwYpWXPBQbW4vDrmlBV7-p48KsrDY5Z0-NIUepNEu8W2U/s1600/IMG_2583.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhq_qCHGBisfadSQbke0oKdM-j6mo-i5B93UISv9HMfPEbC4A_vz6OcfmFCMbyAUggdcVvN77FMJcQPj9pzxvQsgbFbn1Q-RJEfwYpWXPBQbW4vDrmlBV7-p48KsrDY5Z0-NIUepNEu8W2U/s400/IMG_2583.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These beautiful girls--one sister and two cousins who might as well be sisters. I love them so. :)</td></tr>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixlT1PFBeRK5EvtoDVUeoOk4Jn71W8mFyQh8HuNeXT22ZNAhVO-MxUx1-sYLQDeUyojaBh7NeHeCbTfne4IxkU4AsCbCWyZmK5JHXmkZ0ZKFzS6Xz2hbu-QU9ixerbpf1HRfe-Xlvkp2I2/s1600/526909_10151198652888355_323858058_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixlT1PFBeRK5EvtoDVUeoOk4Jn71W8mFyQh8HuNeXT22ZNAhVO-MxUx1-sYLQDeUyojaBh7NeHeCbTfne4IxkU4AsCbCWyZmK5JHXmkZ0ZKFzS6Xz2hbu-QU9ixerbpf1HRfe-Xlvkp2I2/s400/526909_10151198652888355_323858058_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Getting to be a bridesmaid (first time!) in my childhood friend Dorothy's wedding. It was a joyous occasion, and I especially loved bonding with my twin bridesmaid, Fern. </td></tr>
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFBa0dLbJEQpB5XHRPutNHPzqu2yD3htbgxW4g4N4TMU8XDAh5ZPhEH85gsEXGLzEb07bv2S6BSQEoJy6eEQfPB8UusE1sRUWdSrgXVy0mVmJYAJGUWYh5708mkyiMpOVVRBTXrlh34F0o/s1600/IMG_2907.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFBa0dLbJEQpB5XHRPutNHPzqu2yD3htbgxW4g4N4TMU8XDAh5ZPhEH85gsEXGLzEb07bv2S6BSQEoJy6eEQfPB8UusE1sRUWdSrgXVy0mVmJYAJGUWYh5708mkyiMpOVVRBTXrlh34F0o/s400/IMG_2907.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">This girl. She is the best thing that's happened to me besides Jesus. Lydia's a keeper.<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFHoMnnRhkTdcbwhXqQX_QctcqTkng6izmNWRN36PvAhEnD0QTDmA7XeB7nVCeb7apDudE_Eh3kRA8Oovxd4QarV6EemjXm4Pha4DA15OM8dEpuDoi9XMNUj9nNKnQ1dXEMDO85w_Mq2da/s1600/P1060756.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFHoMnnRhkTdcbwhXqQX_QctcqTkng6izmNWRN36PvAhEnD0QTDmA7XeB7nVCeb7apDudE_Eh3kRA8Oovxd4QarV6EemjXm4Pha4DA15OM8dEpuDoi9XMNUj9nNKnQ1dXEMDO85w_Mq2da/s400/P1060756.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Getting to see Jon again in October at Jess and Chris' wedding. He is such a huge blessing and encouragement to me and has had an incredible impact on my life. He is also the initator of my nickname, Londerz. :)<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm4L8Fmhiw2j6dMfY8Z4j73wndBLIkDXYywylveyzSPYmtvKtg1r1wIjCzOTpsaAUD_ddI6qjgY0RSD98uzjxKIE-yUJp23JWAj2Q0EDFuAYJalKPj1jqej6EBIEAo9JqpUstEF8LWk0uA/s1600/P1060775.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm4L8Fmhiw2j6dMfY8Z4j73wndBLIkDXYywylveyzSPYmtvKtg1r1wIjCzOTpsaAUD_ddI6qjgY0RSD98uzjxKIE-yUJp23JWAj2Q0EDFuAYJalKPj1jqej6EBIEAo9JqpUstEF8LWk0uA/s400/P1060775.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Being there for Jess's happy marriage to her pirate. Jess has been such a great friend and I am honored to know her.</td></tr>
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</td></tr>
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</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5dgb4G_gbzuIgrGDa4uvAJuR7oL2gk7bRjl7tkLviF2aI1aoM-cwYj8cvj0KafpnGlGR_iMfdF-_5Vh6pgdtg7XuIoYDXmvT5QERFP_-Bed7F1omXmCnzMG2qVS4aJz97cmTx7-2Kvo-D/s1600/P1070168.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5dgb4G_gbzuIgrGDa4uvAJuR7oL2gk7bRjl7tkLviF2aI1aoM-cwYj8cvj0KafpnGlGR_iMfdF-_5Vh6pgdtg7XuIoYDXmvT5QERFP_-Bed7F1omXmCnzMG2qVS4aJz97cmTx7-2Kvo-D/s400/P1070168.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This kid. He is funny, devoted, thoughtful, with an enormously big heart. He is a favorite.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiWCwTTdlKGsLsV2BduDQrSNXWzdTV0wT9kZiP8i-qkave10kpwwo67xONZiE97EKBDbjuqYSa24vXzOIYJElCASGDaXseqZXVy1dRZhi8HiTaIgq_SUIDkgtv98MSpIwxh9x7JQIiOs7F/s1600/P1070264.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiWCwTTdlKGsLsV2BduDQrSNXWzdTV0wT9kZiP8i-qkave10kpwwo67xONZiE97EKBDbjuqYSa24vXzOIYJElCASGDaXseqZXVy1dRZhi8HiTaIgq_SUIDkgtv98MSpIwxh9x7JQIiOs7F/s400/P1070264.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This girl lights up my life--I love Lynnea so so much. She is such an example and encouragement to me and brings me so much joy.<br />
<br /></td></tr>
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It's been a crazy year. I have learned so much about life and about love. I have gotten to know so many people and many people have gotten to know me and I've learned honesty and vulnerability and I've learned how much things <i>hurt</i> and I've learned that joy cometh in the morning, maybe not every morning, but the joy that is coming when night is completely over is more than enough to compensate for that. I have filled a giant journal this year and am filling up the next and some nights it is just my silly heartbreak that I pour into these pages, but I cannot help but always come back to "how He loveth, ever loveth; changeth never, nevermore." It astounds me and as I look back with eyes saturated by His love, I wish I could change the way I reacted so often to the situations I was in. I wish I had conquered depression faster with deeper joy and I wish I had loved people more while I could and I wish I had said the right words at the right times. I wish I could have done better. But He has told me that my greatest joy <i>is</i> yet to come and I am anxious to see how His grace can change my character this coming year, because considering the unexpectedness of the year past, I imagine this coming year will be even more unexpected.<br />
With a predictably heavy dose of senioritis, the nostalgia is settling in far too early for my liking. And the changes that are coming are a little too vast and difficult for me to wrap my head around entirely, and "if I could make these moments endless, if I could stop the winds of change," perhaps I would. Perhaps I would. But I can't. And it makes these fleeting moments here and now all the more sweet. And oh it is sweet consolation to know that <i>truly</i> the best is yet to come. I said it last year, and I am saying it again, because it is what I tell myself almost every day, but mostly, because it is true.<br />
Ann Voskamp says, "The joy is in the journey because the moments build the destination. Joy isn't ever in a season but in the way we see. Grace and mercy saturate everything." And that is what I want to find this coming year. I want to learn to love life and really <i>live</i>. I have done too much mere existing this year past.<br />
But what I am really clinging to are the words of another writer also near and dear to my heart and he says, "With no taint of what we should now call self-approval she will most innocently rejoice in the thing that God has made her to be, and the moment which heals her old inferiority complex forever will also drown her pride deeper than Prospero's book." And this holds me together and oh I can't wait to talk and talk with my dear C.S. Lewis in heaven. :)<br />
<br />
In Him all things hold together, and that means me too. It's been a year of Him holding me together, and I am blown away and still kind of stunned about it and oh so grateful. I'm glad to know it can be done, holding me together, that is, and I <i>am </i>excited about another year of that. He who calls is faithful; He will surely do it.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-24308075693387760622012-12-21T09:56:00.000-08:002012-12-21T10:53:46.436-08:00in celebration of a beautiful girltoday marks the day a most beautiful girl entered the world.<br />
her name is Magdalena,<br />
she is of German birth,<br />
lived in England for much of her life,<br />
and currently lives in Wales.<br />
(in other words, terribly exotic)<br />
she loves cats and music<br />
has good taste in films<br />
has a fabulous knack for writing sweet notes<br />
and is good at being honest, encouraging, and affirming.<br />
she loves theatre (kindred spirit)<br />
and though i've never seen her perform,<br />
i am sure she is spectacular.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqPOaVosdG6RAIJ_UsPFBF7fHufu5dc5YoKr_fiE2P-f7Q-AENfPXVLTOTL74HpWD7X4xgwBtUisPWB-gQ1NgLSXAnbfsWmzZRTmeWXE53nWkCEu-Y7Y-Za-V3pyrLiKT3Ad85nEix4TGR/s1600/10456_194920430641420_260710599_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqPOaVosdG6RAIJ_UsPFBF7fHufu5dc5YoKr_fiE2P-f7Q-AENfPXVLTOTL74HpWD7X4xgwBtUisPWB-gQ1NgLSXAnbfsWmzZRTmeWXE53nWkCEu-Y7Y-Za-V3pyrLiKT3Ad85nEix4TGR/s320/10456_194920430641420_260710599_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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this girl came into my life unexpectedly, through a series of events which<br />
are too complicated and long to explain here.<br />
i met her online, first, and skyped with her a few times before<br />
she spent the entire summer here in the too-hot weather of our dear North Carolina.<br />
i have had an abundance of wonderful people enter into my life<br />
but Magdalena holds a place in my heart different from any other.<br />
i don't know the next time i will see her again,<br />
and i do not email her nearly enough,<br />
but she never leaves my heart.<br />
she is the older sister i never had and<br />
i am so privileged to know her.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtSlTLstgO2mobqS-GKOrLnmFza0f55-KbxMkOPB_AExcwrxBCuG_dE1T59pbiRfwZiBMziDaqL00a8SEj2A25Q4__ceoZgC9hkaz8aC3-E4ULnI8lgLcb_S4fijzEmCEuq2OIU84fwzp4/s1600/487288_217291811737615_1694713110_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtSlTLstgO2mobqS-GKOrLnmFza0f55-KbxMkOPB_AExcwrxBCuG_dE1T59pbiRfwZiBMziDaqL00a8SEj2A25Q4__ceoZgC9hkaz8aC3-E4ULnI8lgLcb_S4fijzEmCEuq2OIU84fwzp4/s320/487288_217291811737615_1694713110_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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i thank God for bringing this beautiful girl into my life,<br />
for giving her a loving heart and a multitude of gifts and talents,<br />
for the plans that He has for her,<br />
and for what He has and will bring to pass in her life.<br />
<br />
i love you so dearly, Magdalena Mohr. happy birthday.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-15133172276112497952012-12-03T07:21:00.002-08:002012-12-03T07:21:32.987-08:00in theatre, we call it emotional recall.<br />
it is a method of acting which requires actors<br />
to call on the memory of details<br />
from a similar situation to those of their characters.<br />
you have to remember what <i>you</i> <i>felt</i><br />
in those situations in order to know how<br />
to feel it again.<br />
<br />
sometimes the roots of all we cannot control<br />
seem too deep to be pulled out.<br />
and i can too easily whisper in the dark<br />
after them:<br />
<i>"if only it was an enemy bigger </i><br />
<i>than my apathy,</i><br />
<i>i might have won."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
and the roots of my apathy<br />
are deep, deep, deep.<br />
they are cruel, heartless, strangle holds<br />
that feel so much stronger than me.<br />
and feeling happiness or joy or anything at all<br />
seems a silly, insignificant idea.<br />
but the <i>feel </i>that engulfs you now,<br />
and the <i>seem</i> that is so hard to undo,<br />
are never as real as the joy that you are waiting for.<br />
they are never so strong as the calm of peace<br />
that you desire even underneath<br />
all your heavy weight of apathy.<br />
<br />
and that's when the emotional recall<br />
of all your days of feeling too much<br />
becomes a necessity.<br />
<br />
you are created with a heart<br />
that has capacities for feeling so much deeper<br />
than you've even experienced yet.<br />
and i promise, it will not be held empty<br />
forever.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-78281784448122414132012-11-30T06:34:00.000-08:002012-11-30T06:34:23.492-08:00our voicesour voices are too fleeting,<br />
too finite,<br />
just breaking into crevices<br />
we never want to fill.<br />
<br />
but eternally infinite<br />
takes no note of our<br />
finiteness<br />
troubling not with<br />
how feeble<br />
our<br />
attempts<br />
are.<br />
<br />
sound bites<br />
become louder<br />
than<br />
a whisper.<br />
<br />
he speaks<br />
deep and trusting,<br />
his voice wavering<br />
as much as mine,<br />
and we all take hands<br />
and lose our<br />
stupid<br />
self-control<br />
until our faces<br />
wet with salty pain<br />
to heal the<br />
ache.<br />
<br />
bleeding red,<br />
bleeding red,<br />
bleeding red.<br />
and we speak<br />
to fill the chasm<br />
of emptiness<br />
between<br />
us.<br />
<br />
i want to take the next flight<br />
on the fastest jet plane<br />
to somehow heal these wounds bleeding open<br />
too long.<br />
but i am still finite.<br />
so i cannot stay silent.<br />
and with hands wide open<br />
though it breaks my beating heart<br />
i catch the teardrops<br />
of pain<br />
to heal this old ache.<br />
<br />
<i>He will make everything beautiful in its time. </i><br />
<i>and our voices somehow mingle in the rhyme</i><br />
<i>of finite breaking being lost in the middle</i><br />
<i>of an infinite love. </i>Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-56195399891626620212012-11-28T19:25:00.000-08:002012-11-29T06:21:22.096-08:00crushes of heavenyou<br />
were waiting at<br />
the edge of<br />
a cliff.<br />
the air you breathe<br />
is like crashing<br />
waves of<br />
anxiety.<br />
but all it feels like<br />
is<br />
emptiness.<br />
<br />
and if you can't taste that saltiness<br />
in your mouth<br />
when she mentions the open<br />
wounds that bleed<br />
when no one's around<br />
to see them<br />
then you just wouldn't know.<br />
<br />
but i can taste it,<br />
oh beloved,<br />
oh storm-tossed,<br />
oh afflicted,<br />
oh so uncomforted<br />
and i am bleeding as much in pain<br />
as i am bleeding to fix you.<br />
<br />
i want to whisper<br />
<i>you're not alone</i><br />
but too often i have felt it<br />
and it too often feels like<br />
<i>i am alone.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
but this is not the end and you <i>are</i> not alone in this.<br />
and this chilly fog will lift and we will find our<br />
clear hindsighted vision showing us how much<br />
we have yet to learn in these fleeting days.<br />
<br />
[<i>Isaiah 54:11</i>]Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-74407270901553024162012-11-25T18:00:00.001-08:002012-11-25T18:00:41.699-08:00goodbye<br />
tastes<br />
so bittersweet.<br />
slides<br />
around<br />
like residue<br />
in my mouth i can't escape.<br />
<br />
uncertainty;<br />
the ache<br />
digs deep<br />
and i am anxious<br />
for a someday soon<br />
when i<br />
will be finished<br />
with these<br />
goodbyes.<br />
<br />
there have been<br />
a few too many<br />
of them.<br />
<br />
meanwhile,<br />
we bask<br />
in the memories.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-30234997954407961032012-11-24T11:30:00.002-08:002012-11-24T11:30:51.938-08:00wondermentflurry,<br />
rushing all out of my<br />
pulsing heart.<br />
the tenderness,<br />
or the bittersweet,<br />
i cannot figure all the puzzles out,<br />
but their music makes<br />
me sing along with it.<br />
<br />
i will never admit i am scared,<br />
but the rush of joy<br />
makes me as frightened<br />
as the sudden ache.<br />
the pain lingers,<br />
but this time<br />
i know how<br />
to hold it.<br />
<br />
words all fly away<br />
into the wind too fast<br />
that passes between us.<br />
if i had a hand to hold<br />
i could make it to<br />
the other side.<br />
so i will take Yours.<br />
<br />
my head is all a-jumble<br />
of noisy card games<br />
and walks in the still quiet of the time<br />
before the sun rises<br />
and fires burning bright<br />
with our voices surrounding<br />
flames,<br />
and sometimes <i>this loveliness</i><br />
hurts too much to even hold onto.<br />
but i can't let go.<br />
<br />
my heart is all a-flurry<br />
like the giddy falling<br />
in love<br />
with every detail,<br />
every piercing ache which makes<br />
my Longing only deeper,<br />
with every joy which makes the<br />
path steeper but more bearable.<br />
<br />
and when i let You near enough to touch me,<br />
i can feel again.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-64077825917944036222012-11-18T10:14:00.001-08:002012-11-18T10:14:10.536-08:00the healing inside outIt is told me again and again,<br />
how important and even <i>necessary</i> it is,<br />
this thing called <i>gratitude</i>.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.aholyexperience.com/">She</a> says it again and again,<br />
says how we need it for<br />
health and happiness,<br />
because our salvation<br />
requires it,<br />
and especially because<br />
it brings intimacy with God.<br />
<br />
And sure, I nod,<br />
I'll agree with that,<br />
it's a nice idea,<br />
nice something to try.<br />
<br />
And deep down<br />
do I ever really believe it?<br />
If I did<br />
wouldn't I be living it?<br />
<br />
Heart dried out just enough<br />
to be so ready for water<br />
and the pastor speaks,<br />
loving, <i>caring for me</i>,<br />
"Gratitude is the only way<br />
we go from being 'ok'<br />
on only the outside<br />
to being whole on the inside.<br />
Gratitude is the second healing,<br />
the touch from God,<br />
that heals our hearts<br />
<i>on the inside.</i>"<br />
<br />
And aren't I ready<br />
to stop being merely<br />
<i>okay on the outside</i>,<br />
and find some wholeness<br />
on the inside?<br />
<br />
So I spill all over my pages,<br />
the little things<br />
--my wool grey sweater,<br />
hot coffee at breakfast,<br />
warm flannel sheets,<br />
and the luxury of an extra pillow--<br />
and the big things<br />
--my hope of heaven,<br />
God's faithfulness,<br />
and His commitment to my<br />
character being stronger<br />
than to my happiness--<br />
and <i>this is hard.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
My heart pulls back,<br />
clenches tight in pain,<br />
unwilling to admit<br />
there can be beauty here.<br />
But I can't escape it.<br />
So I spill more and more<br />
until I am drenched<br />
in the light of the <i>positive</i>.<br />
<br />
He is good. He is <i>all</i> good.<br />
I am so spoiled.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-17272728811289936742012-11-12T06:04:00.000-08:002012-11-12T06:04:11.907-08:00a word from my Fatherwhen will you learn not to pick old scabs?<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
when will you learn that you can have satisfaction, not disappointment?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
when will you learn to let go?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
when will you learn to stop hurting for something you have lost</div>
<div>
when the reason you lost it was because it was so far from right for you? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
you do not speak out loud </div>
<div>
that you are still bleeding yourself dry. </div>
<div>
I will take away your wounds</div>
<div>
but you have to let me cover them </div>
<div>
in My love. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>oh afflicted one, </i></div>
<div>
<i>storm-tossed,</i></div>
<div>
<i>and not comforted,</i></div>
<div>
let me hold you close.</div>
<div>
let me set you free from pain.</div>
<div>
let me make you beautiful. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
let me love you.</div>
Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-7394652163548453262012-11-11T10:08:00.001-08:002012-11-11T10:08:31.796-08:00the difference between painting and stainingthe primary difference between paint and stain<br />
is that paint is a color plastered onto the surface of a thing<br />
while stain is allowed to soak into the surface.<br />
<br />
paint is immediately attractive<br />
but all too soon will chip and crack<br />
and fall apart completely.<br />
<br />
absorbing deep into its wood,<br />
stain may fade over time<br />
<br />
but only because of how deeply it has soaked in.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-83315304830556063232012-11-07T05:54:00.003-08:002012-11-07T05:54:55.298-08:00"i hope you find what you are looking for,"she said,<br />
<br />
"and that you don't leave too many things unsaid<br />
in the wasteland of your head,<br />
<br />
"and that your happy gets loud sooner rather than later,<br />
<br />
"and that you do not postpone joy,<br />
<br />
"and that your dreams come true and especially that you<br />
dream a little bigger, darling,<br />
<br />
"and that your courage grows more insane than your fear,<br />
<br />
"and that you learn how to let the sunshine in through<br />
the shadows.<br />
<br />
"Mostly i hope you remember today<br />
and every day<br />
to watch how you are loved<br />
in every<br />
single<br />
corner<br />
of your life."Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-38394226591871096282012-11-03T19:22:00.001-07:002012-11-03T19:22:43.514-07:00beautiful people don't just happena wish perhaps,<br />
and not a prayer:<br />
<i>i want to be the girl who smiles</i><br />
<i>even when her heart is broken.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
but He answers prayers we don't even think to pray.<br />
<br />
i guess i just expected the answer to that prayer<br />
to be smiles that never left.<br />
i didn't expect the answer to be<br />
having my heart broken.<br />
<br />
["but i will be restored; not destroyed.<br />
He has not forgotten my name for it is<br />
not just written in the Book of Life<br />
but on the palms of His Hands.<br />
He will bring me out of my suffering.<br />
I won't be like this forever."]Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-33933875518324134982012-11-01T07:49:00.002-07:002012-11-01T10:10:12.061-07:00seeing redit is not rose-coloured glasses, she said,<br />
except for stained rose because of the<br />
blood stains--His blood stains.<br />
<br />
it is never that we did not break, he said,<br />
only just that we actually did break<br />
in all the right places.<br />
<br />
and another said, my heart is broken<br />
by beauty's Mystery,<br />
and the brokenness is beautiful.<br />
<br />
i didn't say it out loud, but i think<br />
<i>that</i> is beautiful,<br />
to be able to call <i>this all </i>beautiful.<br />
<br />
and one more said months ago<br />
and it's stuck ever since -- (just like his heart):<br />
<i>it's a cesspool of beauty.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
and He never said <i>I didn't make it hard</i><br />
and He never said <i>I didn't let it break</i><br />
Only that it is beautiful anyway.<br />
it is a tangled web we weave<br />
and any other entanglement<br />
never comes out right in the end.<br />
<br />
but His entanglement is<br />
beautiful even now.<br />
<br />
so long as you look at it right.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-75073037110124509912012-10-27T07:05:00.000-07:002012-10-27T07:05:52.794-07:00a solution to emptinessi believe that everything happens for a reason<br />
and everything happens for our good<br />
and Jesus is the only ever satisfying person or object we can cling to<br />
and we are <i>created to be loved by Him and love Him</i><br />
so the deepest crevices of desire in our hearts<br />
<i>are for Him and for His plan.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
we are born broken<br />
we are born <i>empty</i><br />
but we are <i>created to be filled</i>.<br />
and our brokenness can't seem to get a handle on the fact that<br />
<i>God is the only thing that can fill all the empty spaces that consume us.</i><br />
it's crazy. really crazy.<br />
when God is so satisfying, why do we run from Him?<br />
why do we try to fill our void with things unreal, things only temporary, things that won't last?<br />
but we do.<br />
and until we realize that God really is the only thing that can satisfy us,<br />
we will place the blame on Him for our emptiness,<br />
or ignore Him,<br />
or just try to say that the filling of our emptiness,<br />
even if He is the one filling us,<br />
that it is us filling ourselves.<br />
like, <i>we've gotten this far,</i><br />
<i>we've survived so far,</i><br />
<i>i must be strong enough for this.</i><br />
but we're not, and i don't know why we keep trying to think we are.<br />
all i can whisper through that continued stubborn rebellion of mine is<br />
<i>thank You, God for <b>still</b> being gentle. Every.single.time. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
in Hosea 2 God spoke about his crazy wandering lover... me.<br />
He said, <i>"I will hedge up her way with thorns, </i><br />
<i>and I will build a wall against her,</i><br />
<i>so that she cannot find her paths. </i><br />
<i>She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them,</i><br />
<i>and she shall seek them but shall not find them. </i><br />
<i>Then she shall say, 'I will go </i><i>and return to my first husband, </i><br />
<i>for it was better for me then than now.'</i><br />
<i><b>And she did not know that it was I who gave her</b></i><br />
<i><b>the grain, the wine, and the oil,</b></i><br />
<i><b>and who lavished on her silver and gold."</b></i><br />
and it's that last part that really gets me. i am desperate and frantic<br />
to escape the emptiness and darkness and coldness<br />
that feels like it's <i>surrounding me.</i><br />
and i find something that satisfies<br />
and somehow think it comes from <i>inside me or from this broken world?</i><br />
and i find i am still running from Him.<br />
<br />
and i am rambling and conciseness eludes me and all these thoughts are scattered and broken-ugly. but my heart comes up empty so many times. i am dry and barren and my wounds never seem to heal. and my ugliness blames <i>Him</i>. blames <i>Him</i> for not satisfying <i>me</i> with Himself. but i am reading everything all wrong. i am interpreting the world from my out-of-focus lenses, and my eyes aren't wide enough open.<br />
and we can come up with formulas for how to live, for how to pray, for whatever you want, and we can make up the right things to say and pretend we <i>feel</i> that way too, but when everything you <i>feel</i> contradicts what you have <i>known</i> to be true about God, then we just can't look inside ourselves anymore. or we will keep coming up empty. i don't have an answer for how to make things feel right, or even an answer for how to get into Jesus' heart the way you have to, but i do know you have to. there is absolutely no real peace outside of Him. there is absolutely no answer to <i>any of your questions</i> without Him. i'm not talking about something i read in the Bible, or something someone told me, or the answer you can find in any number of books, i'm talking about <i>the only reason i am still alive here. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
in Hosea, God also says,<br />
"<i>I will allure her, </i><br />
<i>and bring her into the wilderness,</i><br />
<i>and speak tenderly to her. </i><br />
<i>and make the Valley of Trouble</i><br />
<i>a door of hope."</i><br />
and that's where He is <i>most satisfying</i>--when we are coming up <i>most empty.</i><br />
it's how He works; it's how He fills.<br />
it's when we're down to our lowest nothings<br />
that He is up to His greatest somethings.<br />
it's when everything seems wrong<br />
that He's opening up the most beautiful doors.<br />
<br />
someone told me that a day spent not trusting God is a day wasted.<br />
and <i>yes, <b>we</b> may be wasting moments of hope by choosing moments of despair,</i><br />
but God <i>does not waste anything.</i><br />
and days spent not trusting God<br />
He will turn into twisted anchors<br />
for new trust tomorrow.<br />
it's how He works.<br />
<br />
"<i>Your strength will fail you, and your dreams will wither away. </i><br />
<i>Trust me that My dreams for you are far greater than you can dream on your own.</i><br />
<i>You will run farther and soar higher if you will wait patiently</i><br />
<i>for the season of My blessing. </i><br />
<i>Draw close to Me now, and I promise that the season of waiting,</i><br />
<i>and remaining in Me,</i><br />
<i>will bring you the sweetest of rewards."</i><br />
{Isaiah 40:31}Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-72838156701885937772012-10-26T09:52:00.003-07:002012-10-26T09:52:35.284-07:00when a heart breaks.a short volume of pain<br />
<div>
composed in apologetic words</div>
<div>
flying through cyberspace</div>
<div>
to reach me--</div>
<div>
just enough words</div>
<div>
to let me know that</div>
<div>
everything's fallen through,</div>
<div>
and my heart falls too</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
and shatters a million directions </div>
<div>
at once.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
and all my insides cramp tight</div>
<div>
to shield from crashing walls, broken,</div>
<div>
shooting sparks and i buckle, fight,</div>
<div>
and why now, after everything else?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
red eyes</div>
<div>
as i lose sleep and salt water.</div>
<div>
just i quietly wonder if it's endless here,</div>
<div>
or if one day, perhaps,</div>
<div>
a <i>once upon a time,</i> might,</div>
<div>
actually</div>
<div>
go <i>somewhere.</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
and a heart worn old and cynical locked inside flesh too young</div>
<div>
looks out sees life bleak,</div>
<div>
not beautiful.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
so quickly it changes</div>
<div>
from naivete and stubborn strength</div>
<div>
to bleeding deep despair. </div>
<div>
a corrosion begins when the death happens invisible inside</div>
<div>
and how to get rid of the rotten</div>
<div>
and it is so hard and cold. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
oh how i need You now.</div>
Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-3732316449163014092012-10-24T20:12:00.000-07:002012-10-24T20:12:42.589-07:00In the dark inhale and exhale of a late night October I wrestle and try my hardest to cling until I remember <i>one more time</i> that I have to let go to ever get a closer grip on what is most important. And will I ever truly learn the art of <i>living</i> until I finally die?<br />
<br />
And you probably smile as you wonder if I ever will learn. If I ever will let go and learn peace, if I ever will let go and know what it feels like to be okay. If I will ever let the healing loom larger than the pain. Meanwhile I hide all I am and hoped you wouldn't notice that I don't know how. I don't know how to let go.<br />
<br />
They keep stuffing me with truth and you say the truth will set me free but I'm not even sure anymore that I even want answers, I just want some peace. I just want to know for real that it's for real, that somehow everything comes out right in the end, because I don't know how to see that from here, and that somehow this will be worth it, because I don't know how to feel that right here. Don't worry, darling, they say, and they stuff me more with truth and the crumbling difference between wrong and right slips from my shaky finger grips. And all my questions fall flat in a tiny whisper of who you are and how much you care and I talk it all to you to soothe my spirit. But I won't fall this time, I whisper strong, and I will be okay this time, and who really ever knows what they're talking about?<br />
<br />
And if I had words of wisdom to end the twisted white hot tearing of the heart pieces slowly slipping apart I would speak them here. If I knew the magic words that make the healing come right quickly they'd have been said long ago.<br />
<br />
But I know the sun will come out tomorrow and if it doesn't then I'll find myself face to face with love so she said it's a win-win situation. So until then, <i>sleep, beloved, sleep</i>. [Psalm 127:2]Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-3885102372213323842012-10-20T17:57:00.000-07:002012-10-20T17:57:31.816-07:00shades of octobershades of grey<br />
a hundred faces<br />
i looked at again and again<br />
and never saw.<br />
<br />
but the leaves,<br />
they change come fall,<br />
and october<br />
rolls in with mornings<br />
of fog<br />
and soon bursts into brightest<br />
blue skies.<br />
<br />
october --<br />
reminiscent of happiness,<br />
of anticipation<br />
that is quiet-died<br />
inside me now.<br />
i've learned all about<br />
<i>that</i> happiness that<br />
easily dies<br />
and i haven't a drop<br />
this october around.<br />
not enough happiness, no,<br />
but this little portion of<br />
heavy stuff i cling to<br />
isn't the happiness that<br />
easily dies.<br />
<br />
glad to have you back, he said,<br />
as i broke open one<br />
more time.<br />
inaudible<br />
falling for october once again.<br />
along with it,<br />
a hundred other things.<br />
maybe this time<br />
i'll just keep falling.<br />
it will be an awfully big adventure.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-14110456768519392512012-10-18T15:42:00.000-07:002012-10-18T15:42:14.340-07:00the colour red.you're a star in the sky<br />
shining bright<br />
and you fly<br />
like a shooting star<br />
you will travel far<br />
but you close your eyes to all this.<br />
<br />
you're a boat lost at sea<br />
sailing lonely<br />
and you're looking for me<br />
but you find<br />
salty wind<br />
in your eyes and it closes them.<br />
<br />
and the beat of your heart<br />
locked inside these festering walls<br />
isn't enough to pump blood deep red<br />
when you bleed so flailing dry.<br />
in an ocean of tears<br />
you cut lines of your fears<br />
in your arms that trembled<br />
as you scrawled<br />
<i>failure</i><br />
<i>worthless</i><br />
<i>not strong enough</i>.<br />
<br />
reluctant return<br />
you're a lost lonely child<br />
eyes shot through wild<br />
of hopelessness and sleepless nights.<br />
you build walls till they fall<br />
in your wide awake nightmares<br />
of questions without end.<br />
<br />
pretend what you are<br />
when you are what you're not<br />
oh child, so caught,<br />
in the pain of your darkness.<br />
so i scrawled on your arms<br />
what i call you, my own,<br />
precious<br />
unforgettable<br />
lovely.<br />
<br />
bleed yourself dry and i still love you.<br />
<br />
<i>i gave more than enough blood for an eternity of you. </i>Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-16406788924794102552012-10-15T20:00:00.001-07:002012-10-18T15:42:46.270-07:00the wrong question "You're wrong.<br />
<br />
The question is not<br />
<br />
"How many times can your heart be broken?"<br />
<br />
The question is<br />
<br />
"How many times can it heal?"<br />
<br />
<i>The ways a heart can break are finite. The ways that it can heal are infinite."</i>Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-4116556940741944162012-10-11T18:54:00.000-07:002012-10-11T18:54:15.448-07:00too many wordsrush of consciousness<br />
desperate quest for healing<br />
<br />
but we grope<br />
and grapple<br />
only to find<br />
it is all<br />
just<br />
a<br />
mess<br />
of<br />
words.<br />
<br />
they still escape,<br />
and come back<br />
all<br />
damaged.<br />
<br />
the depth of your heart<br />
is sometimes<br />
most clearly defined<br />
by<br />
the<br />
loudness<br />
of<br />
your silence.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-16264334508566575852012-10-10T18:56:00.000-07:002012-10-10T18:56:27.713-07:00this hurtsheart beat<br />
heart break<br />
one remains<br />
while the other's gone.<br />
and bitter grace<br />
in cold flowing rain showers.<br />
where is it warm?<br />
when will we be home?<br />
<br />
incessant questions<br />
ache<br />
haunt<br />
<i>never leave</i>.<br />
but <i>still</i>.<br />
and our hearts hush in silence<br />
because the pain<br />
is too much for words.<br />
<br />
this hurts.<br />
and one day your heart will bleed itself dry.<br />
this is too broken for words.<br />
this is the silence<br />
when the pain is<br />
just<br />
too<br />
much.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-53369624071174978622012-10-09T09:59:00.000-07:002012-10-10T09:26:25.338-07:00a bird in a cagedo right, they urge.<br />
feel right, they beg.<br />
conform, they press,<br />
till i've run out of angles and all out of<br />
strength.<br />
i cut my edges to fit their boxes.<br />
comply, they cry,<br />
so i comply.<br />
<br />
my deepest hopes and dreams.<br />
push them away, darling,<br />
they are not what matters.<br />
i'm a free spirit<br />
with a broken heart.<br />
<br />
so stubborn and rebellious<br />
and so different.<br />
so alone.<br />
<br />
courage, child.<br />
always,<br />
courage.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-56682602776839412322012-10-06T13:18:00.000-07:002012-10-06T13:18:05.335-07:00endless hallelujahat some point our love has to morph from<br />
something dependant on how we're treated<br />
--though we do have the promise of eternally<br />
being treated right and well and best--<br />
to something totally beyond that.<br />
i mean, you have to get past the dusty theology<br />
which is real and true and hopeful but<br />
ultimately can't be our core.<br />
that is to say, that all that aside,<br />
even if He couldn't promise the pain to ever leave,<br />
i would never want to live through it<br />
without Him.<br />
i am way too attached to this guy<br />
to ever let Him go.<br />
it's that nearly ridiculous committment<br />
and loyalty<br />
that is all beyond logic and reason.<br />
an attachment that is endless<br />
because He loves and is faithful and He's<br />
not afraid to prove it.<br />
and you just don't walk away from a<br />
love that strong.<br />
<br />
i guess what i mean especially is<br />
that this kind of attachment is not easy or painless--<br />
why do people always forget to tell us<br />
how much love hurts?--<br />
but its potency is in the fact<br />
that it's endless.<br />
that even when our hallelujah's<br />
completely broken,<br />
it is still never ending.<br />
and when that burn of love digs inside<br />
and becomes our core,<br />
then i swear,<br />
we are infinite.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-733728404217830331.post-16170566257317937822012-10-03T19:02:00.001-07:002012-10-03T19:02:54.265-07:00life is beautifula pool of light.<br />
cascade<br />
of hope and fear.<br />
<br />
throbbing dread<br />
splayed out<br />
all wobbly.<br />
the tension lasts too long<br />
the release never lasts long enough.<br />
<br />
but in myriads of colour<br />
bleeding or not<br />
it is a rainbow of priceless beauty.<br />
the catch in our throats<br />
too far apart to touch<br />
our hands are empty silent<br />
and i never quite trust that mine<br />
will leave loneliness behind.<br />
but the colour bursts again<br />
and whispers again,<br />
countless repetition,<br />
every breath you take<br />
is a miracle.<br />
is it?<br />
is it a miracle to be here<br />
breaking?<br />
is it a miracle to wake<br />
and not know how to put one foot<br />
in front of the other?<br />
<br />
but you were made for so much more than this.<br />
so much greater love to fall on you<br />
every single day.<br />
this is not love you have to wait for,<br />
just love you can run into.<br />
things get better every day,<br />
though you can't see it now.<br />
<br />
so <i>that</i> is the miracle.<br />
it feels like breaking<br />
but it will spread<br />
warm as light<br />
through the depth of the hurt<br />
and you will be happy and wholesome again<br />
and love will not leave you empty.<br />
<i>that</i> is why you can wake up tomorrow<br />
and pinch yourself<br />
because this is so unreal.<br />
so unreal that you might know this<br />
kind of love.<br />
<br />
<i>that</i> is how we remember<br />
<br />
life is beautiful.Londerzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04250239235089198402noreply@blogger.com3