change

i like change, and new things, as long as i remember that i do. i don't like goodbyes, though. never ever ever do i like goodbyes. they make my throat hurt and my stomach hurt and especially my heart hurt.

and i pretend that i've learned how to cope with all that -- the change and the goodbyes -- that i've learned how to just move on quickly, and you know, mostly it doesn't hurt anymore. and then i laugh at myself while pretending not to cry.

i guess i am thankful that i didn't learn too late to appreciate. that the fact that he's leaving hurts before he's left, which means i know what i've got without having to lose it. but i still have to lose it. and i know it's not forever. never forever, until forever, and then it's beautiful forever. still. it is the start of a different life for us and i don't know what will happen and i am scared and lonely and anxious.

and the sad song's on repeat again till i grow tired of it and push play again. emotions are raw and twisted and exposed to a God who cares, who holds out comfort that i don't know how to take. courage, courage, i whisper, because no matter how i pretend, the change and goodbyes are always too hard to take.

so let me go like a leaf upon the water,
let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
and i will disappear into a deeper beauty,
but for now just stay with me;
God, for now, just stay with me.