It has been sort of a rough past few days for me. I have had many exciting things to do and to look forward to, but in spite of that, it has been hard. It's sort of embarrassing to say why it's been hard. Basically, I wanted a new outfit for the Celtic Thunder concert I went to last night, and especially for my friend's wedding on Saturday. I had a pattern for a cute dress and jacket, and I found the perfect fabric at our trustworthy fabric store. But it seems like nothing is working out. I am having so much trouble with my machines, with my fabric, and with the pattern not turning out how I was expecting. I guess my expectations have just been way too high, so I've been super disappointed. The biggest problem is that I just feel frustrated with what God's doing here. Because I know it's his plan, and I know it is perfect, but it's not really what I want at the moment. It's not that I doubt him, it's just that I am rebelling.
In spite my best efforts to push God out of my life at the moment, I can hear him repeating to me, "I love you. Nothing matters but that." And I still don't want to listen. But I'm learning.
I must say, the Celtic Thunder concert was incredible. Absolutely amazing. I'm pretty sure it was the best night of my year, possibly of many many years. I still don't really believe that I got to see them in person. We didn't get to talk to them or anything, but it was still so awesome. Probably my favorite song of the night was Ryan Kelly singing Coldplay's Viva la Vida. It was so pretty. I didn't have my dress done, but I realized it didn't matter at all. It was an amazing night. And the guy I was with made it extra special. : )
I felt guilty, because I kept thinking about how silly it was for me to be so discouraged and disappointed that I couldn't have such a trite thing as a new dress finished in time. I thought, maybe I should feel guilty, because it really was kind of stupid to be so upset. But in reality, God does not want me to feel guilty. Satan's the one who is telling me I should. No matter how big the sin, or no matter how silly and little the reason I was upset, as soon as I talked to God about it, and asked his forgiveness, there was absolutely no reason to feel guilty. God put it far away from him, and he doesn't focus on my sin, so I don't need to either.
I feel frustrated again today. I don't really see any way to get the outfit done in time for the wedding, because I have other things going on, and other projects that take first priority, besides the fact that my machines are not working. But does it really matter? To me, at the moment, that's really what would make me happiest. But that's not what the wedding is about. And I'm sure, even without the dress, I will still have a fantabulous time, and I can't wait to see the beautiful bride and her bridesmaids. It's just that I had my hopes up, and they were dashed. Sometimes it feels like all of life is like that.
So I'm still disappointed, God. But I'm ready to ask for your forgiveness. Again. And I realize you were ready to give it before I was ready to ask. Again. That's just the way you are. Thanks.