Thursday, November 18, 2010


It has been sort of a rough past few days for me. I have had many exciting things to do and to look forward to, but in spite of that, it has been hard. It's sort of embarrassing to say why it's been hard. Basically, I wanted a new outfit for the Celtic Thunder concert I went to last night, and especially for my friend's wedding on Saturday. I had a pattern for a cute dress and jacket, and I found the perfect fabric at our trustworthy fabric store. But it seems like nothing is working out. I am having so much trouble with my machines, with my fabric, and with the pattern not turning out how I was expecting. I guess my expectations have just been way too high, so I've been super disappointed. The biggest problem is that I just feel frustrated with what God's doing here. Because I know it's his plan, and I know it is perfect, but it's not really what I want at the moment. It's not that I doubt him, it's just that I am rebelling.

In spite my best efforts to push God out of my life at the moment, I can hear him repeating to me, "I love you. Nothing matters but that." And I still don't want to listen. But I'm learning.

I must say, the Celtic Thunder concert was incredible. Absolutely amazing. I'm pretty sure it was the best night of my year, possibly of many many years. I still don't really believe that I got to see them in person. We didn't get to talk to them or anything, but it was still so awesome. Probably my favorite song of the night was Ryan Kelly singing Coldplay's Viva la Vida. It was so pretty. I didn't have my dress done, but I realized it didn't matter at all. It was an amazing night. And the guy I was with made it extra special. : )

I felt guilty, because I kept thinking about how silly it was for me to be so discouraged and disappointed that I couldn't have such a trite thing as a new dress finished in time. I thought, maybe I should feel guilty, because it really was kind of stupid to be so upset. But in reality, God does not want me to feel guilty. Satan's the one who is telling me I should. No matter how big the sin, or no matter how silly and little the reason I was upset, as soon as I talked to God about it, and asked his forgiveness, there was absolutely no reason to feel guilty. God put it far away from him, and he doesn't focus on my sin, so I don't need to either.

I feel frustrated again today. I don't really see any way to get the outfit done in time for the wedding, because I have other things going on, and other projects that take first priority, besides the fact that my machines are not working. But does it really matter? To me, at the moment, that's really what would make me happiest. But that's not what the wedding is about. And I'm sure, even without the dress, I will still have a fantabulous time, and I can't wait to see the beautiful bride and her bridesmaids. It's just that I had my hopes up, and they were dashed. Sometimes it feels like all of life is like that.

So I'm still disappointed, God. But I'm ready to ask for your forgiveness. Again. And I realize you were ready to give it before I was ready to ask. Again. That's just the way you are. Thanks.


  1. We like to think that we'll submit to God—as long as He agrees with us. We tend to think there are certain areas of our life where God can't possibly let us down. It's that one chance of a lifetime and if we miss it we can't do it again, surely God will let us have our way. However, sometimes God wants to show us that that's not quite as important as we thought and also show us we aren't trusting Him completely.

    I struggle with grades in this area. The only reason I want to keep my grades up is so that I can skip finals as a senior. I don't need all As to get into seminary, I don't even need all As to keep my scholarships. I have this idea that God will try to teach me some stuff, perhaps by giving me a depressing test or two, but He won't let that dream slip from me. That's one of my untouchable dreams that can't ultimately fail. This semester I think God's been trying to bring to a point where even that dream I can give over to Him. That doesn't mean He won't give it back to me, but He wants to make sure I have completely given it over to Him first.

    We sometimes forget that God really does require everything of us. He wants every single dream, every corner of our heart. We often like the idea of submitting to God as long as we can have a few dreams that are "untouchable." Those are off limits to God, He can't change those or make them fail. …But in everything else we'll gladly submit to God. God doesn't want the easy stuff given over to Him, He requires everything!

    The sooner we can learn that the better.

  2. Thanks. It is just so so hard right now to surrender the dream, as trite as it is, totally to God. What is especially frustrating is that I know I will be so relieved and happy when I do just give in to God, I just don't want to. It's really exhausting to be so rebellious... part of me is trying really hard to give it all to God, but the other part of me is just saying no. I don't even feel strong enough to pray that I would want to give in. I know that as soon as I want to, it will be easy. It's just that wanting to. Part of me wants to want to, but the other part of me seems to be stronger right now.

    When I put it in writing, it just makes it all seem so ridiculous. The fact that I know and believe that God is doing what's best right now, and the fact that it's a dress that I'm depressed about is really strange when I think about it like that. It is just this expectation that I had, this 'dream' that I had, and so to have it dashed is complete disappointment.

    As Jed said, "If at first you don't succeed, fry Uncle Ben." I'm not sure it's a good idea, never mind the fact that I don't have an Uncle Ben, but it does add a little humor to the situation.

    Thanks again. Really. I don't always feel like I want comments like these -- I usually feel like just getting comments from other friends who don't know me well enough to push me. Obviously, I love and appreciate others comments -- besides the fact that I appreciate that they care enough to comment, it's great to have another perspective. But I also appreciate the fact that you don't just say good things about what I write, that you challenge me. It's tough sometimes, but it's all good.

  3. By the way, I just thought I'd mention that most of the quotes to the side of my blog are especially comforting, and challenging, right now. Especially that Frodo to Sam one. Good stuff.

  4. I wasn't writing a critique I was simply expanding the thoughts and wrestling with them myself. Perhaps God meant them as a critique if you took them so, I don't know…

  5. What you're struggling with is not a mere dress. You are struggling with a dream of wearing that dress in pictures and creating lasting memories upon other people. Your dreams of having that new dress were about what others would think and how you would feel when they thought that. It was about being forever immortalized by pictures etc. in that awesome dress. And now you have to settle for something less, for something not quite as exciting. You will have to have an old dress which you aren't quite as happy with the way it fits you, or the colors, etc. You won't get to tell people you just made this dress, you'll have to tell them this is an older one that you made.

    These may be dreams based in pride, but they are big and important dreams that mean a lot to the human heart. Recognizing what the dream is is the first step to giving it up to God.

  6. Well I don't know if I necessarily thought this was a critique... it's just that from others I might get more like, "It'll be ok." I don't know. Anyway....

    You're right that it's a dream. But it actually wasn't really for the reasons you said. Maybe this is just as selfish and proud, but it wasn't mostly for what other people would think. It was really mostly just because I wanted a new dress, and I loved the fabric so much, and I had in my mind a picture of how it would look, and it doesn't really look anything like that, and I don't have time to finish it. I don't really even care that much what other people are going to see -- I know they aren't going to know that I tried to make a new dress. (Although, I don't really know what I'm going to wear -- I don't have that many formal dresses, which is a big part of the reason I was making this). It's just that for a long time I had planned on making a new dress for this, and I tried and tried to make it, and it just didn't work.

    If it was based in pride, at least the way you explained it, I feel like it would be easier to give it up to God. This just feels so complicated. Because I don't even feel that depressed over the dress right now... I just feel super depressed. I can't understand why I feel like a cloud of despair is crushing me, so I can't figure out how to try to fix it, or even what to ask God to do.