Prayer

I feel in need of a psychiatrist. That's why I'm thankful for prayer.

Dear God,
I do love you. I do know you love me. But why do I feel like pushing you away from me? Why can't I willingly embrace you like I know is best?
It hurts me to know that I've placed a row of idols in front of you. It hurts even more when I realize that I'm too weak and scared to tear them away. And the hardest part is that I don't even want to.
Part of me just wants to be your girl, to fight against the despair that overshadows me, to be beautiful and precious to you. But it seems the stronger part of me is the part that just wants to give up.
I'm not angry. Not at you, not at anyone. I just feel sad, and disappointed. This heavy weight of despair and depression seems to have crushed me. I can't explain why I'm sad, or why I can't stop crying. I don't know what it is. 
Why can't I give it all to you? Why can't I just surrender? Why is it so hard? 
Right now, I don't feel a desire to ask you to change anything in me, though I know you can. I just need to talk to someone, and you are the best one to talk to. Is it true that even though I can't understand why this burden of sadness is on me, you do? I know it is. I won't ask you to take it away. I feel it so deep, I don't really feel a desire to come out of it. But please be there, God. Even if it's just to hold my hand, or to let me cry to you. 
I can see two sets of footprints behind me, God. I know you're walking with me. But I think I need you to carry me now. Please. 


I know you're here with me. Thank you for your love.


Amen.

I feel lost in this strange emotional despair. It's a disappointment, a sorrow that I can't give a reason for. I know I'll come out of it, probably much sooner than it seems. But it feels like forever. Feeling grateful for an understanding God.
There are people in my life who encourage me so much, or who make me feel so happy and content when I'm with them. I often wish I could just be with them all the time, that they wouldn't ever have to leave. I was thinking today, God should be that to me. He should be the one who, no matter what the circumstance, I'm ok, because he's with me. And he's always with me. He never leaves me. Thank you, God.