Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Early morning ramblings... warning: long, twisting trail of emotions here

I ache, but not because I'm suffering.
I weep, but not because I have reason to cry.
I'm lost, but not because you can't find me.
I'm lonely, but not because you've ever left me.

With no reason for my tears,
with no cause for my aching heart,
how do I come before you
and ask you to change things?

Make me to know your ways, God. I'm not asking to be told what you're going to do, just remind me once again that you are completely perfect and everything you do will turn out for the very best. Remind me once again that no matter how many pains we take on our journey there, eternity is a long time to heal our hurts (thanks, Seth).

I am so blessed. So incredibly blessed. And so, in spite of how much my heart hurts, in spite of my desire to just go and be with you and away from everything right now, I am still peacefully content. Because you are love. When I am embraced by love itself, and when I stop to think about that, it changes everything. And I realize that with that hope, I can survive the roughest storm.

As I write, my desire's changing. I no longer feel the need to ask God to take my tears away. I suddenly have an intense desire just to be with Jesus. To see him smile, his brightness breaking into pieces every shadow lurking in my heart. To hear him laugh, that lovely burst of sound shattering all fears that crowd me. To hold his hand, that grasp of comfort and stability, encompassing my soul, silencing the shoutings of my head, as I look into his eyes. Those eyes, that must be beautiful beyond every measure, with strength and compassion combined into one. And when he takes me in his arms, I'll lose sight of everything around me, knowing only that I could never stop falling in love with him. He is beyond wonderful. He's more than everything I can wish or imagine. And my strongest desire right now is to be with him.

As is always my prayer, God, just hold me close now.


  1. This is absolutely the most wonderful description ever! It completely speaks to my heart and pulls at me because I feel a very strong agreement with what you said. It's beautiful. :)

  2. It was really amazing the way God showed me his wonder and beauty this morning. I had gone to bed the night before, feeling sort of blah for no reason really, and I woke up feeling about the same way. Then I started writing, and I realized just how much I want to see Jesus. And that strong desire blocks out all other desires. I feel so capable and strong when I realize that it's his love that carries me. For a long time now, I've felt content, but I haven't felt as close to God as I want to. This morning, when I was suddenly given a deep, immensely strong desire just to be with him, I realized just how much I was missing when I was merely content, and not desiring. I cannot wait until heaven, when I will get to hug him all the time!
    Thank you for your kind words, Forsworn Sight. You are a blessing. :)

  3. BEAUTIFUL. Just beautiful. That is an amazing post.