Can't find the words

I sit here, staring at the screen for what feels like forever.

Racking my brain, exploring my heart again, trying to find at least one coherent sentence that will maybe possibly come close to describing at least in part how I feel right now.

And I turn the music on repeat, only a couple songs, and if you listened to them, you might know why I'm listening to them right now, but it's unlikely. I wait for inspiration from the music, from the lyrics that pull me back into this whirlpool of crazy, swirling feelings.

Feeling

lost,

hopeful,

confused,

satisfied,

beautiful,

weary,

so very weak,

and oh so strong. 

Yeah, you explain that combination to me. 

Part of me is missing, and more of me is getting ready to miss. 

I say goodbye to one of my dearest friends soon, 

for what feels like the rest of this life,

not because I won't ever see him again,

but because it won't ever be the same again.

Oh Josiah, I ache inexpressibly inside. 

How can I miss you this much,

when you've not even left yet?

And I can't stop crying inside,

feeling scared because I don't know what I'll do without the colour of him in my life,

and feeling alone because I know he understood me more than I let on,

and feeling regret because it's only when he's ready to leave that we realize how much we'll miss him.

And that's 

the way life always is. 

Maybe that's why,

in the midst of so many joyful feelings,

these raindrops of tears mix with the raindrops of grace,

and I recognize again the broken combination of sorrow and joy

that is 

the way life always is.

And I fight again for words,

trying to keep this heart from breaking with all the heartbroken peace,

because in spite of the deep ache, I can feel deeper magic,

and I wonder again,

how to hold, 

when all is full, and bright,

and yet so hard, and so hurting.

Coldplay's Glass of Water and The Hardest Part are healing balm to my soul,

despite how much they hurt.

The teardrops that come from the ache,

so often seem to soothe the ache.

And so I rest in You.