Friday, April 30, 2010

Figuring myself out

I must confess, I am a worrier. It's actually not always hard to trust God in the really tough trials, but when it comes to the little concerns in life, I seem to forget He is King, and I worry myself to the point of being thin, like butter stretched over too much bread.
Right now, I'm tired. I should be in bed, but that's not mostly why I'm tired. I guess I'm tired of fighting against myself. I feel as if I have two different personalities. There is the personality everyone knows, my external personality. But inside I'm different. People see me as reserved and rather quiet; I don't know what else they see in me. But inside, I feel so different. I am extremely contrary, I hate being a stereo typical anything, and I'm very passionate about almost everything that I am contrary about. But to most of the world, I think that contrary nature is hidden. Part of me wants it to stay that way, part of me wants to be the way I feel inside.
I cannot figure myself out, and it frustrates me, and wears on me, and it worries me. But maybe what really matters is that God knows my personality inside and out, and has me more completely figured out than anybody ever can.
Back to the worrier part of me... maybe I just don't believe enough that God really truly cares about the little areas of my life, like how in the world I'm going to make costumes for the whole cast in less than two weeks. I do believe; Lord, help me in my unbelief.
Sometimes, I just want to give up. Just forget about everything in life, and not do anything at all. That usually happens when I'm depressed... like now. Actually, I think God does want me to just give up, but not in the way I was thinking. He told me to cast my burden on Him, and to take His yoke upon me, because His burden is easy, and His yoke is light. He wants me to give up all my worries, and my cares, and remember who defeated the white witch, and who will keep defeating even lesser enemies than the white witch.


  1. The struggles you speak of are more common than you might think. It's easy to think that the little things we run into aren't important enough to bother God with but He, a loving father, cares about everything we face, good and bad. As you grow into a teen (you're just starting down that path) and then an adult, you'll probably discover things about yourself that you didn't know were there. Strengths and weaknesses, ways of dealing with situations that have grown out of combining influences that make you who you are. Just keep facing the Son and remember, it's a God thing. :)
    You're a lovely young lady inside and out and striving to be like Christ will be a lifetime job for all of us. Just remember not to be too hard on yourself. And it's ok to say, "No" sometimes. It doesn't make you a bad person; just a sane one! :)

  2. Thank you so much. That really was so encouraging!