healing

it's deep inside you. not boiling, sort of... simmering. not angry, sort of... disappointed. not devoid of all hope, just... apathetic to everything around you. and it scares you because you have almost no control over it. it scares you because you realize what it all comes down to is you turned inside out, all focused on just you.

then comes the resignation. sighing, silent, tired resignation. no longer desirous of change. no longer caring enough to seek change. and it scares you once again to realize you're turned in towards yourself alone, but it's not frightful enough to change you.

the hardest part is letting go. and letting in. by yourself, it's impossible. sometimes, it takes a lot of prayer. sometimes it takes a specific action on your part. but other times, it comes after you've decided not to try anymore. after you feel weary of praying so all you do is cry silently. something loosens up inside you, lets go, without you even realizing it. you begin to realize it when you hear a laugh and it makes inside you light up. when you feel encouraged beyond measure when you find someone with the same struggles as you. when you see someone smile at you and feel prized. when you close your eyes and all you can see is the beauty of Jesus.

what you have to let go of is yourself. what you have to let in is the healing.

but before i was willing to let go, before something inside me gave in to God's Spirit, i realized what i needed. i knew i needed a turning right side out, and i was truly willing for it to be hard. you know when Eustace became undragonified? it wasn't easy. in fact, he couldn't do it at all. and it hurt. it hurt more than anything else. i was afraid of what it might be that God would do to turn me right side out, but i was willing for it to hurt. 

but i have a gracious God. he knows when i need something painful, and instead he decided to do it gently. a very gentle pulling on me, turning me right side out, like a very soft breeze blowing in your hair. it sort of feels like a laugh sounds. 

it's the healing of the cold, dead apathy. giving you a heart that feels again. that is warm again. that is encouraged by even just small words, and remembers to encourage others again. the healing of tired, weary hopelessness. filling you once again with hope that is irresistible. the healing of a worn, listless soul, making it alive once more, making it breathe freely once more.

i'm not telling you it's going to be easy. i'm telling you it's going to be worth it.