i believe that everything happens for a reason
and everything happens for our good
and Jesus is the only ever satisfying person or object we can cling to
and we are created to be loved by Him and love Him
so the deepest crevices of desire in our hearts
are for Him and for His plan.
we are born broken
we are born empty
but we are created to be filled.
and our brokenness can't seem to get a handle on the fact that
God is the only thing that can fill all the empty spaces that consume us.
it's crazy. really crazy.
when God is so satisfying, why do we run from Him?
why do we try to fill our void with things unreal, things only temporary, things that won't last?
but we do.
and until we realize that God really is the only thing that can satisfy us,
we will place the blame on Him for our emptiness,
or ignore Him,
or just try to say that the filling of our emptiness,
even if He is the one filling us,
that it is us filling ourselves.
like, we've gotten this far,
we've survived so far,
i must be strong enough for this.
but we're not, and i don't know why we keep trying to think we are.
all i can whisper through that continued stubborn rebellion of mine is
thank You, God for still being gentle. Every.single.time.
in Hosea 2 God spoke about his crazy wandering lover... me.
He said, "I will hedge up her way with thorns,
and I will build a wall against her,
so that she cannot find her paths.
She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them,
and she shall seek them but shall not find them.
Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband,
for it was better for me then than now.'
And she did not know that it was I who gave her
the grain, the wine, and the oil,
and who lavished on her silver and gold."
and it's that last part that really gets me. i am desperate and frantic
to escape the emptiness and darkness and coldness
that feels like it's surrounding me.
and i find something that satisfies
and somehow think it comes from inside me or from this broken world?
and i find i am still running from Him.
and i am rambling and conciseness eludes me and all these thoughts are scattered and broken-ugly. but my heart comes up empty so many times. i am dry and barren and my wounds never seem to heal. and my ugliness blames Him. blames Him for not satisfying me with Himself. but i am reading everything all wrong. i am interpreting the world from my out-of-focus lenses, and my eyes aren't wide enough open.
and we can come up with formulas for how to live, for how to pray, for whatever you want, and we can make up the right things to say and pretend we feel that way too, but when everything you feel contradicts what you have known to be true about God, then we just can't look inside ourselves anymore. or we will keep coming up empty. i don't have an answer for how to make things feel right, or even an answer for how to get into Jesus' heart the way you have to, but i do know you have to. there is absolutely no real peace outside of Him. there is absolutely no answer to any of your questions without Him. i'm not talking about something i read in the Bible, or something someone told me, or the answer you can find in any number of books, i'm talking about the only reason i am still alive here.
in Hosea, God also says,
"I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
and make the Valley of Trouble
a door of hope."
and that's where He is most satisfying--when we are coming up most empty.
it's how He works; it's how He fills.
it's when we're down to our lowest nothings
that He is up to His greatest somethings.
it's when everything seems wrong
that He's opening up the most beautiful doors.
someone told me that a day spent not trusting God is a day wasted.
and yes, we may be wasting moments of hope by choosing moments of despair,
but God does not waste anything.
and days spent not trusting God
He will turn into twisted anchors
for new trust tomorrow.
it's how He works.
"Your strength will fail you, and your dreams will wither away.
Trust me that My dreams for you are far greater than you can dream on your own.
You will run farther and soar higher if you will wait patiently
for the season of My blessing.
Draw close to Me now, and I promise that the season of waiting,
and remaining in Me,
will bring you the sweetest of rewards."