In the dark inhale and exhale of a late night October I wrestle and try my hardest to cling until I remember one more time that I have to let go to ever get a closer grip on what is most important. And will I ever truly learn the art of living until I finally die?
And you probably smile as you wonder if I ever will learn. If I ever will let go and learn peace, if I ever will let go and know what it feels like to be okay. If I will ever let the healing loom larger than the pain. Meanwhile I hide all I am and hoped you wouldn't notice that I don't know how. I don't know how to let go.
They keep stuffing me with truth and you say the truth will set me free but I'm not even sure anymore that I even want answers, I just want some peace. I just want to know for real that it's for real, that somehow everything comes out right in the end, because I don't know how to see that from here, and that somehow this will be worth it, because I don't know how to feel that right here. Don't worry, darling, they say, and they stuff me more with truth and the crumbling difference between wrong and right slips from my shaky finger grips. And all my questions fall flat in a tiny whisper of who you are and how much you care and I talk it all to you to soothe my spirit. But I won't fall this time, I whisper strong, and I will be okay this time, and who really ever knows what they're talking about?
And if I had words of wisdom to end the twisted white hot tearing of the heart pieces slowly slipping apart I would speak them here. If I knew the magic words that make the healing come right quickly they'd have been said long ago.
But I know the sun will come out tomorrow and if it doesn't then I'll find myself face to face with love so she said it's a win-win situation. So until then, sleep, beloved, sleep. [Psalm 127:2]